Maybe my journey can help others who suffer...All I know is that I'm trying to articulate it so that those who do suffer, and those who know people who are struggling, understand a bit more.
I've talked about being inspiredand I don't want to waste this opportunity to embrace the idea. Can I inspire others and most of all inspire myself? Or does my past limit me? I've had many people in my life tell me to put my name behind my experiences and who I'm becoming. After all, I like me NOW. I can't say that every day is easy, but fuck it, I'm alive!
“I have need of angels. Enough hell has swallowed me for too many years. But finally understand this -- I have burned up one hundred thousand human lives already, from the strength of my pain.” ― Antonin Artaud
It's strange to put all of this information in the public eye. You look at me and I seem “normal”, yet the undercurrents are merely hidden from view.Depression, anxiety, addiction, and abandonment issues have crippled me. I keep hearing that there is strength through vulnerability and I'm still calling bullshit on all of that.
However, I’ll give this theory a shot. So, where do I start?
I can't remember a time that I didn't want to die. Over the course of the day, I would have a multitude of thoughts wishing that something would just take me away from it all. My thoughts would consume me to the point where I couldn't move. Active or passive suicide was the default setting in my life.
Why seek help though, when I could self-medicate? I’d have a drink, pop a pill, and eventually it lead to me "doing a line”. For many years I lived that way. Meanwhile, outward appearances hid everything: a fancy car, a nice job, and a pretty girl by my side. Everything was done to make people think that I was okay, while inside I was crumbling.
You see, it starts out really hard. You lie to yourself and then you lie to others. People around you don't know what to do, so they get frightened, but even worse, you become frightened of yourself. Eventually it gets to the point where you can't even look in the mirror; you hate everything about yourself. Life is falling apart and people who loved you are in tatters. It doesn't matter though, because if you can consume more, you can stay safe in your own head. That’s how I felt anyway. I didn't want to deal with reality because it was frightening and I couldn’t control it.
All I wanted was someone to love me and save me.
Eventually I was faced with having nothing. I entered survival mode, where I did things that I wasn’t proud of. Then, one day, I looked in the mirror (with no money for alcohol, drugs or food) and saw the little boy that I used to be, wondering what happened to him...to me. Unfortunately, negative thoughts ensued.
“Nobody loves me. Nobody cares. I'm alone and it's easier to kill myself than live this way.”
I planned my suicide and cut up my ID so that they wouldn't know who I was when they found me. Nobody was going to miss me; I'd just vanish and cease to be. Everyone would be happier when I was dead.
I'm still alive.
I continuously played the role of victim, where it was never my fault, but rather, someone else’s fault; ownership of my situation was far too difficult. In hindsight, I made myself numb in order to cope with life, in turn, not really living at all. I had lost everything: friends, family, respect, and layers of my being. Did it matter at the time though? Not at all. I could continue to consume and stay “polluted”. In my eyes, nothing was wrong with me, but even if I wanted help I couldn't go to a doctor and tell them that something simply didn’t feel right.
Nowadays, I’m faced with learning how to live again. I’m learning how to cope with the ups and the downs of life in a healthy way. I’m building positive, genuine relationships and finding faith to give me comfort. I’m no longer hiding behind a mask, though it was so much easier to do so, pretending that everything was fine. It’s time to do the hard work now.
Will it be cathartic to write about it? I don't know.
Will I find myself alone? I already do.
Will people look at me differently (will they hate or be frightened of me)? I'm fearful of that.
I feel that many people who are, or have been, in my footsteps, find building a new life to be extremely difficult. Past defaults are way too easy to fall back into. I knew the rules of my old lifestyle, as twisted as that sounds, whereas LIVING is dynamic and uncontrollable. For a control freak who doesn't trust easily, it’s a nightmare migrating into reality. I now have to live in the present…YIKES!
So, after all is said and done, is ownership of one’s situation and past inspiring? I guess I'll find out.